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1254 days....

November 11, 2015 was the day that my sweet Lezlie was called home. Not to my home, to her heavenly home. She was a few months shy of her sweet 16th birthday. February 28, to be exact.

Of course it was a couple weeks before thanksgiving, a time of year people feel they need to post what they are thankful for. I was guilty of that but let me explain, losing a child will make you realize there are 11 other months in the year with days up to 31 and, you probably should be thankful then too.

One month shy of Christmas, all she wanted was urban decay makeup, beats and some shoes. Converse to be exact. The irony is that Thursday, the day after her death, all her presents I had ordered arrived. Beats included. I have since given those to her sweet friend Alaina. The urban decay, it is still sitting, waiting for her. I guarantee where she is she doesn't use urban decay, converse or beats.

I do not remember much about those holidays except I was mad, sad, desperate, angry, hopeless. You name it.

Those were the first of the milestones. You know you keep up with those when you have a newborn, you should not experience them when that newborn doesn't outlive you. Regardless of her age, those are milestones no parent should keep track of.

I did dread the first year anniversary and you know what, the third hit hard but the fourth, the fourth was downright awful and this whole fourth year has been awful. You get to where you believe if you make it one more year it will get easier. Something happened when I realized I was about to hit the milestone of the birthday that was the same as her softball number, #19. I almost went into a downward spiral because for some reason, that birthday and this fourth year have been tough.

But, when I hit day number 5476, that day will be pretty hard. You see, I will have lived one more day longer than she lived her whole life. If I make it to that day, God willing, do not question the sadness, the tears or the anger. It will be expected. Life is short and yes, all mommas probably know how may days between certain dates but, we should never have to count the days between the birth and death of a child.

Job 14:5 "Our time on earth is brief; the number of our days is already decided by you."

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The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart;  the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.  Those who walk uprightly enter into peace, they find rest as they lie in death.

Isaiah 57:1-2

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