February....

As it gets closer to February 28, my anxiety increases. This year would have been #19's nineteenth birthday.

Imagine that. 19 years old. One year left of her teens. What would she do this last year she was a teenager. That, I will never know because, she is forever 15. She was just a few months shy of her sweet 16. She missed the party that she could have had.

She has missed so much and the closer it gets to February 28, the more it sinks in - once again that she won't get to blow out those candles. She won't get to eat that cake and ice cream. She won't get to be surprised at the gifts she receives. No, and we won't get to spend that day with her. To see her excitement.

Anxiety.....because this year, just like the last 3 that we have celebrated without her, will come and go. A birthday that will be celebrated but in a different way. With memories. With cake. With tears. With a whole lot of anxiety.

Tears....because yet again, she isn't here.

The closer it gets, the more it seems fitting to shut myself off from everyone but, I can't because I promised her over and over I would live and be social but, I really don't want too. For some reason these past few months have been really hard to manage. It seems like the longer I am here without her, the worse the grief gets.

But, we will celebrate that 19th birthday. We will eat cake. We will take her flowers and, we will live. But we will not forget her. Not at all. Never. One thing I can promise is as long as I live, she will live with me. I will celebrate her birthday every year. I will take her flowers, pink ones, and will remember her like I have done since the day she left. She may be celebrating in heaven, but, she will be remembered here.

Ecclesiastes 11:6 "However many years a man may live, let him enjoy them all."