You know how you describe having to bury your child, horrific. Yes, I have witnessed death before, read about it, expected it (but not one of my children), and even looked forward to the day I meet Jesus. Unfortunately, that was all in theory.
Reality. Reality is they are not ever coming back. You won't wake up from some awful dream and have them there.
Dealing with grief is hard. They say you have to face it head on. Thats hard to do if you don't really know how too. You still have to function every day. You have other family members, etc to take care of. But, sometimes you feel like you are suffocating. You wake up and can't breathe. You have to catch your breath, sometimes I would go outside.
I was mad. I was so mad, I was mad at God too. But, I was told it was okay to be mad at God. There were so many whys that needed answering and not getting those answers, that made me mad. But, through it all I knew he was right beside me. I just couldn't find him. I really don't think I was trying either. I spent all my energy just getting through the day, I didn't have the time to find God. But, he was right there, with me all along.
I was at rock bottom. I had no hope. But, he was still there. He was waiting. He waited for the walls to come down. He could have whispered to me, I wouldn't have heard. I spent months avoiding him. I cried. I cried a lot and all the time. I was just going through the motions.
But, one day I talked to him. I talked to God and I poured my heart out to him. He reclaimed my heart. He was going to help me heal. You see, the grief was so blinding, I couldn't see him. He had to find me. He did. He found me and he waited fro me. Sometimes, healing starts when God finds you. Just remember this, he is always there and he will always find you.
I know my faith in him is stronger. There are many things I don't understand. There are many things that I face that would make anyone else question there faith but, God is with me and with him I will not fail. He is the one person that we lose sight of even if he is still there.
God can help you start to heal. Yes, it may take a very long time but he will always be there with you. If you cannot find him in your grief, he will find you.
Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart."
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