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One of the hardest things to do after you experience the death of your child, is to be happy. It is a major hurdle to overcome. It is hard to accept happiness or acknowledge it exists.

After all, this is the ultimate tragedy. You feel this isn't right, it should have never happened. It is like this, their death robs you of the ability to carry out your parenting role as you thought you would or, as it is supposed to be. You feel like a failure, regardless of the cause because you can no longer care for and protect your child.

You feel like you buried a part of yourself when you buried your child.

After all, it is unnatural to outlive your child.

But, happiness is a big part of surviving after such a loss occurs. Even if it is just for a moment. Remember it is okay to laugh in the middle of tears. It is okay to smile. Each persons grief is unique and different.

I think I got so caught up in grief that I did not do anything hardly. I did go back to work and would come home and work and go to sleep and do it all again. I stopped living. I ignored everyone. I started doing more in 2017 but, I felt so guilty. Why? Well, how could I live and smile and be happy when Lezlie couldn't. (even though I know she is smiling up a storm in heaven and enjoying herself).

When I did realize I needed to be happy, I tried not to. You know how many times I would just push people away (some that wouldn't move) because I felt guilty, there aren't enough hands.

I have been told I didn't know how to grieve, well as we have learned, there is no WAY. Its your own individual way, unique and however you do it, thats your way and it is your right way. (unless it is truly harmful then, please seek help wherever you need too).

But, I decided that I had to smile. I had to try and be happy because happiness is essential to survive. I am sure I would be a lot happier etc with her here but, I cannot bring her back. (I went through that whole bargaining stage and it didn't work).

The key to remember is that yes, you can smile. Yes, you can be happy . Yes, it does not matter what others think because, they aren't you. You aren't a bad person for smiling. You aren't a bad person for laughing. You aren't a bad person for living. Your child would want you to live and you know what, if finding new friends, finding a new job etc are what would make you feel happier, then do it. Because, I am. I realized here over the past couple weeks that I will not be unhappy. If something is upsetting me or not helping me, it will change. Life is short. We spend so much time trying to be and do what others expect that we aren't what we want to be. Live. Make changes and don't regret them.

Grieve, yes, do this as long as you need but remember to live too. I know I keep saying that but, it is important to remember to do this. You can do both. I do it everyday. You can be happy with a patched up heart.

Proverbs 15:13 "A happy heart makes the face cheerful."

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The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart;  the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.  Those who walk uprightly enter into peace, they find rest as they lie in death.

Isaiah 57:1-2

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