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Its okay if I'm not okay...

Its going to be okay. Thats the worst thing you can ever hear or be told when you are experiencing the loss of your child.

It is not okay. It is not going to ever be okay. And you know what, thats okay.

I can guarantee you I spend a lot of time not even close to okay but, what I have to remember is this, Lezlie would want me to live and as hard as it is at times, I try.

But, I am not okay. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of her or that I don't cry. Some days I cry just a little bit harder than other days. Why, because as much as she wants us to live, she isn't. It is just harder at times, well all the time, when I realize what she's missing. (we discussed this earlier).

It is hard sometimes to put into words how this feels but, I try. No child should leave this world before their parents. No child should suffer the unbearable pain with cancer, or any other sickness. No parents should have to experience the loss of a child or, be told their child has cancer or any other sickness that will shorten their life or, their ability to live. So, its okay that we are not okay. And you know what, its okay if we are never okay or what the world thinks we should be. Why? Because we are different now. Our lives are different.

I relate everything I write to child loss but, it can go for parent, spouse, friend, pet, you name it because all these losses can change our lives. Its not like losing a friend that wasn't good for you. No, its losing a piece of your heart and figuring out how to make it feel almost whole again or, find some way to continue with it patched and back together. Broken, never completely whole again.

All I can say is what I have been saying, it is okay that I am not okay and, I will never be okay again. .

Just remember that saying you'll be okay to one of us is the worst thing to do, its as bad as you need to move on, etc. Just don't do it.

I didn't see Lezlie last night in my dreams but, she did visit. She knocked a picture off the shelf. One that was so high and so straight it would have taken an earthquake to knock it off. But, she was there.

2 Corinthians 4:8 "We are not defeated. We don't give up."

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The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart;  the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.  Those who walk uprightly enter into peace, they find rest as they lie in death.

Isaiah 57:1-2

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