Sometimes I get asked how do you keep your faith in God after losing your child? Well, I didn't actually keep it this whole time, I basically just got it back.
I lost faith in everything. I lost faith in myself too. I lost faith in people, because they say the wrong things. I lost faith in God. Why? Because we pray to God every single day to protect our children and, I felt he didn't. But, in December of 2015 I got a gift in the form of a book. There was a bible verse underlined, Isaiah 57:1-2, and at that moment, just for a second I felt maybe God was protecting her. But from what? So, I went back to being faithless. Mainly because I had no answers, still.
So, I stopped going to church. I stopped believing in anything good. I stopped living because regardless of the people that I prayed for me and that were there for me, I still had absolutely no faith in anything and especially not God.
But, I learned pretty quick that as much as I pushed God away, he could take it and, he would be waiting for me. Me and my hardheaded, faithless self.
I believed in God. I believed that he has a place without pain, without suffering, without sadness. I did try to go back to church but never felt connected and to me, that is always something I feel needed. Why go anywhere if you don't feel anything.
But, I worked hard and I still believed. I believed in everything good and just about God. I believed and still do that my sweet girl is in Heaven and I know that I want to be there too. So, I realized maybe I didn't actually lose my faith, I just misplaced it. Not like a wallet. A little more complicated.
But, my faith is stronger now than ever. I do not know the why that my sweet girl was taken but, I do know that one day I will get the opportunity to ask God the why but, when I see her I may not even care about that why.
I recently started going back to church and I honestly believe that I found the perfect place to grow my faith even more. I have been going to Crossway. It has been wonderful. When I leave church I actually feel that I have something to take with me the upcoming week.
Its a pretty hard thing to explain and dealing with child loss is very frustrating. It is a million emotions all wrapped up in one.
You aren't supposed to outlive your children. You aren't supposed to have all the whys in your head because you lost your child but, it happens. Its a long and tortuous journey and, with the right people and the ability to trust in God, we can get to the end of this journey and see our sweet children again.
Remember Gods got you even when you push him away, he's waiting for you to quit being stubborn and hardheaded. Talk to him. Pray to him. Keep your faith and believe in him. Heaven is going to be a wonderful place when we get there.
Matthew 19:14 "Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
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