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Today, I am not okay

Have you ever felt like grief has made you lose your mind. That people think, man she's just crazy. Honestly, thats me everyday. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I attribute it to the fact that this has just made me crazy.

I was never as forgetful as I am now. I could find anything after I placed it somewhere. Keys, shoes, wallet, etc. Now, it feels like my mind doesn't work.

Unfortunately, theres no checklist for us to see what is normal. The actual grief stages you are supposed to go through, they don't help at all. No one goes through those stages in order, out of order etc. They don't really even make much sense when you read how they work.

I read somewhere it could take years before my thinking is right. Years, I don't have years to remember where my keys are. Lets be serious, I have so many reminders in my phone, I just need to invest in a reminder book. Then, I would lose it.

I am not okay. I have been off my game and I honestly can't figure our what is going on. I get absolutely no sleep. Let me just say this, the medicine I take to go to sleep would probably kill a normal person, not me, it keeps me awake all night.

My mind is like 100 internet tabs open. If I can overthink a situation, you bet its going to happen. I am not okay. I am officially losing my mind. I am sure Lezlie is shaking her head and thinking momma please, get it together. I am trying. Maybe I am trying to hard. Maybe I am not trying hard enough. I don't know.

What I do know is this, its normal. These feelings are normal. Its just your normal response to a stressful situation. Well, that is what I heard. I am not crazy. I am just grieving and yes, 3 years later I am still grieving. Setting reminders, making to do lists, thats all okay. And you know what, I am probably way more organized now than I ever was before. But, it still seems crazy. It doesn't seem normal but, I guess I have a new normal but, it really isn't that normal. (I am sure I sound crazy).

But, I still can't figure out why I am not okay or haven't been quite myself these past few weeks. It is okay that I am not okay but, I seem to be way off course. Life stressors? I honestly do not know. All I know is I am going to pray tonight and hope for answers soon. God has me and God is in control. I know God thinks I am strong but sometimes, I don't believe I am.

I just think that people should realize that feeling crazy, out of your mind, etc., that is all normal to our unique situation. I don't want anyone to feel alone. It happens to all of us. It may happen different etc., but it happens.

2 Timothy 4:17 "But the Lord stood with me and gave me strength."

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The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart;  the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.  Those who walk uprightly enter into peace, they find rest as they lie in death.

Isaiah 57:1-2

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