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Who am I?

Who am I? I am still a person just like you are. I have a life like yours but not really. I am still a mother. Like you but not like you. As much as I wish you could understand Who I am, I definitely don't want you to become who I am.

I carry this pain with me, its unlike any you have unless you are a bereaved mother too. It never goes away. It is always there. It doesn't take breaks. It never leaves my side. It is like my sweet girl used to be but it is definitely not sweet.

It a life sentence and no one, not even me, wants to live with it. Grief is awful. It is spending 90% of the time bargaining with God for an ending that doesn't require the loss of your sweet child. Its the panic attacks and anxiety because you think it'll happen again. Its blaming yourself over and over. Its the what ifs. It the I could have, I should haves. Its regret. Its feeling as if I failed to do the one job I was given, protect my child.

It is telling people I have two children, not one. My sweet Lezlie was taken from me. Its having to say it over and over and and believing it.

For a moment, it will make you uncomfortable but to me, it is a lifetime of being uncomfortable. It is pretending she doesn't exist so you'll be comfortable. After all, you are more important. You have everything, I don't.

It is the stares, the silence, the wide eye looks. The shocked faces. The shame, the pity and the judgement. Its the turning your back on me, its walking away in the middle of a conversation or just walking away period. All because I am a bereaved parent.

Don't judge me. Don't pity me. Remember, this can happen to you because regardless of how good you are and how together your life is, you will never be more powerful than God. Do not for one second think because my child is gone I am a bad parent because, I am not. I would have done anything and everything to save my sweet girl but, I am not more powerful than God.

If a mothers love could have protected her, she would still be here.

So while you are sitting there complaining about all the things you have to do such as dirty laundry, carpooling, lunches in the morning, supper at night, bedtime stories, science projects and prayers, I am sitting here wishing I could do all the above but, I cannot.

My heart is forever broken with a hole in the middle.

I am a bereaved mother. I am a grieving mother. Being pulled in two directions is nothing compared to be pulled between heaven and earth - a mother to an angel and to a living child.

One thing you should remember is Lezlie is as real to me today as she was a little over 4 years ago. She will always be my baby. I will always be here mother.

So the next time you see me please remember who I am, a person like you with a life like yours, not completely but the same.

I pray you never have to understand who I feel. But remember none of us are more powerful than God.

Ephesians 6:10 "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might."

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The righteous perish, and no one takes it to heart;  the devout are taken away, and no one understands that the righteous are taken away to be spared from evil.  Those who walk uprightly enter into peace, they find rest as they lie in death.

Isaiah 57:1-2

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